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Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant
Regular Prisoners * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis Camp Personnel * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner Semi-Regulars * Fraulein Helga - Cynthia Lynn * Corporal Karl Langenscheidt - Jon Cedar Guest Stars * Capt. Jeb Winslow - Bruce Yarnell * Sgt. Krebs - Norman Alden * Max - Norbert Schiller Synopsis The episode begins with LeBeau out in the woods near Stalag 13, searching for the pilot of a downed American fighter. He is soon flashing a signal into the woods, using a flashlight. The signal is soon answered by another flashing flashlight. After seeing the correct response, LeBeau head towards the area where the light came from. Upon reaching it, he sees standing in front of him Capt. Jeb Winslow, a tall man from Texas, who tells him that Germans have earlier shot down his plane near Düsseldorf. After he gets over the fact that the Captain is way taller then him, and then after reacting to the Texan's comment about him having said something in French, LeBeau leads him to Stalag 13. As they stand in the woods across from the camp, while watching the guards stand watch, Winslow comments that he's amazed that he is acyaully going to break into a POW camp only to later escape from it. LeBeau, after commenting on it, and explaining things, then leads the Texan towards the entrance to the tunnel. The pair next appear exiting the rising bed entrance where they are met by Hogan, who is also surprised by Winslow's height. After making a comment about Winslow's height, and his mode of dress, Hogan intoduces him to the others. As he looks at him, Newkirk comments to Jeb about him being the first Texan he has ever seen, outside of the movies. He is quickly followed by Carter who asks him how many German planes he has shot down. Winslow happily replies that he has shot down 9 confirmed with 3 probables, before he complains about his plane's engine being shot out from under him and his being forced to bail out. After hearing that, Hogan informs Winslow that they should have him back in England within 48 hours, after they have first gotten in touch with the sub so that it would contact London for him, telling them that he would soon be sending Winslow out. That idea is quickly dashed when Kinchloe suddenly exits the entrance, informing Hogan that the radio has shorted out and that they need some new parts for it, else the radio would be unoperative for a while. Hogan asks Kinch for a list of the materials neeeded to fix the radio, which Kinch quickly gives him, having already written down what they would need. As the others and a surprised Winslow look on, Hogan tells them that they would need to go into town to get the parts. When Winslow asks how they would be able to do that, Hogan informs him that they would get in touch with their underground contact in town, Max, who works at a bar as a bartender, who would get them the needed parts. When Winslow asks how they plan to get the list to Max, Hogan asks for volunteers. He is at first disappointed by the lack of volunteers until he sees Newkirk raise a hand. He then thanks Newkirk for volunteering, only to hear Newkirk inform him that he isn't volunteering, in fact he had planned to suggest that Andrew do the job, which upon hearing it upsets Carter. Ignoring Newkirk's further protests, Hogan asks LeBeau to help him, which LeBeau does by standing on top of a stool, while holding onto a jar filled with cottonballs, next to a still complaining Newkirk. After Hogan asks for a cottonball, he hands it over to Hogan. Hogan then stuffs it into Newkirk's mouth, making it look like that the right side of his mouth is puffed up. Hogan then orders Newkirk to fake a toothache so that he would be taken into town to have a dentist look at it, so that he can get to the bar and pass the list on to their contact. An unhappy Newkirk mumbles his displeasure at his involvement to first Hogan, then LeBeau, as Winslow, Kinch and Carter watch. The next day, Colonel Klink is in his office with Helga as Schultz enters the room with Hogan and Newkirk. Helga then leaves the room, watched by Schultz, until Klink gets his attention. Klink then comments on Hogan's request to have Newkirk taken into town to have his tooth fix, soon commenting that his men seems to be having a lot of dental problems lately. He then asks Hogan how he can be sure that Newkirk wouldn't try to use the trip to the dentist to make an escape attempt. Hogan tells Klink that he has his word that Newkirk wouldn't escape and would come back to the stalag. Klink, reluctantly accepts Hogan's word, but he then tells Schultz that he would be taking Newkirk into town himself, that he is to take him directly to the dentist office and that he is to bring him straight back into camp. He then tells him that he is also to stay in the dentist's office with the Englishman, and to personally watch him have his tooth removed. Schultz protests the latter idea, saying that he faints at the sight of blood. An angry Klink immediately asks Schultz how he has been able to get into the German Army because of that, which causes Hogan to remark that he obviously lied about his weight. As Hogan and Newkirk laughs, Klink does not reply to Hogan's comment as it is a more than likely truthful statement. After they have gotten into town, Newkirk convinces Schultz to take him to the local bar for a drink. As Schultz protests, Newkirk finally convinces him to have a drink of beer while he got himself some whisky, by telling him that he would take care of it. Newkirk then goes over to the bar to make their orders. The Englander then gives the bartender the parts list, before ordering the drinks. After receiving the ordered beer and the whisky from Max, Newkirk slips the whisky into the beer, before adding some more whisky for himself into his glass from a whisky bottle. He then heads for the table where Schultz sat. As he sees Max head out of the bar to gets the parts, Newkirk starts to drink with Schultz, just as he tells him that he thought he has seen someone from the Gestapo. As Schultz looks away, he uses the distraction to slip some more whisky into Schultz's goblet. After Schultz turns back around, and Newkirk has finished apologizing for his mistaken assumption, the pair starts to drink, or at least Schultz does while Newkirk pretends to. A short time later, a "drunken" Schultz is seen drinking some beer from within his helmet, while thinking that they are on a train. As Schultz starts to drink some more spiked beer, the bartender reappear with the needed parts. Newkirk walks over to him, and soon takes the part from him. With that accomplished, Newkirk starts to take a drunken Schultz out of the bar, intending to head back to camp with both him and the needed parts. The pair are seen returning to the prison camp, with Newkirk pushing a drunken Schultz in a wheelbarrow that he had somehow gotten his hands on. They are met at the front gate by Langenscheidt, who is atonished by Schultz's drunken appearance, while Schultz accidently calls him 'Hans', which is actually Schultz's first name, and then starts to call Klink a big shot. After Langenscheidt opens up the front gate, Newkirk rolls him into camp, just as Klink appears with a couple of armed guards. After seeing Newkirk stop the wheelbarrow, and after hearing Schultz call him a big shot in front of his face, Klink starts to dress down Schultz, shocked by the fact that he and Newkirk has been in town for several hours and that he has just returned to Stalag 13, in a drunken state and having been wheelbarrowed back by a prisoner. They are soon joined by Hogan, who thought that he has heard Klink yelling at his men, before Newkirk points out that he is yelling at Schultz. As Newkirk and Hogan watch, Klink informs Schultz that he would not be sent away. Instead, he would be walking a guard post around the camp for a while. At least he will be walking the post until his replacement's arrival, and then he would have him sent to someone else's command, must to the surprise of both Hogan and Newkirk. Klink then leaves with the other two guards, while Hogan and Newkirk help get Schultz out of the wheelbarrow before they led him away from the gate. The prisoners are the next morning watching Schultz walk the guard post when Krebs arrives via motorcycle. Hogan tells Carter to check the new man out. Carter is rewarded by Krebs barking orders at him, which impresses a viewing Klink. Klink then happily tells the prisoners that Krebs would be the new man who would help to sweep them into the cooler. As the prisoners decides what to do about Krebs, Hogan rejects LeBeau's suggestion of trying to tempt Krebs with strudel because of how long it took them to get Schultz to look the other way. A tired Schultz then enters Barracks 2, asking if he could borrow some of the foot powder that they have gotten from the Red Cross. As LeBeau gets some for him, he tells the prisoners that he's worried about being sent to the Russian Front. After he hears LeBeau's suggestion that he might actually be sent somewhere that would allow him to be closer to his wife and kids, Schultz comments that he didn't think the Eastern Front was that bad after all. A short time later, Carter appears in front of Krebs, carrying a radio, which he gives to the Sergeant, so that he could make a good impression on Klink. Krebs takes the radio, thanks Carter, and then gives it to Klink. Klink is impressed, until the radio squirts water into his face, which knocks out his monocle. After that, Kinch reports back that London was ready to pick up Winslow, which made the Texan glad. After that, the prisoners start to prepare a distraction that they hope would do three things: 1) cover Winslow's depature, 2) get rid of Krebs, and 3) keep Schultz at Stalag 13. The distraction is begun as Krebs is standing that night next to a window, as he hears several prisoners talking about tomorrow night. Krebs then talks to Carter the following morning, who, as he washes and then hangs up his undies, apologizes for the squirting radio, but then protests when asked if he knew anything about what was being talked about the previous night. He then slips up about the escape, although it was actually part of a ploy to sucker Krebs in. Later that night, the prisoners gives Winslow a send off, as LeBeau comments about how the Texan had wanted his rations prepared, barbecued. Krebs then enters the building. Newkirk proceeds to show him some card tricks, while three other prisoners leave so that they could allow themselves to be captured by Schultz. The three prisoners soon find Schultz, whom they quickly discover is reluctant to capture them. Upon hearing that, the trio start yelling, which soon gets the attention of the other guards, who turns on the alarm and releases the dogs. Klink finally arrives to investigate what was going on, soon finding Schultz standing in front of the three "recaptured" prisoners, along with Hogan (who was aiming Schultz's rifle at the prisoners). The prisoners were all "complaining" that they would've gotten away if not for Schultz's "sudden" appearance. While this was going on, Newkirk was helping Winslow go through the tunnel to leave. Krebs finally arrives, quickly protesting that he had been keeping an eye on the barracks, which Klink tells him was an obvious distraction to keep him preoccupied while the trio got away. Klink then relieves Krebs of his duties, and then reinstates Schultz, over the prisoners "protests", as they called him a monster. A happy Schultz decides to get tough with the trio, whom Klink have assigned to be placed in the cooler for their "failed" escape attempt as Hogan comments about how soon they forget. As all this plays out, the Texan exits out of the tree stump, headed back for England. Story Notes * This is the fifteenth produced episode of the series, but is the eleventh one to be shown on television. * The title for this episode is based on the cartoonist Charles M. Schulz's bestseller, Hapiness is a Warm Puppy. * Hogan mentioned in the episode that it took them six months to get Schultz to look the other way. * This is the first episode where the prisoners try to keep Schultz from being replaced by another Sergeant. * This is the first time Schultz's first name, Hans, is mentioned in the series. * A historical figure is mentioned during the episode: Sitting Bull. * A fictional character is mentioned in the episode: The Lone Ranger. Quotes After seeing how tall Capt. Jeb Winslow was: * Capt. Winslow (As he takes off his hat): Well, howdy. * Hogan (to LeBeau): How'd you get him through the tunnel? (He then sees Jed's cowboy hat and kerchief) Did you come by plane or horse? * Jed: Oh, these here are my good luck flying clothes. * Hogan: Yeah, well if Sitting Bull gets in the war, you'll be all set. --------------- Hogan to Newkirk after stuffing some cottonballs into his mouth, after coming up with an idea to get new parts for the radio: * Hogan: Now, if you will please -- Please, open wide? * LeBeau: Open wide, please? (Starts stepping onto a footstool.) * Hogan: This won't hurt. * LeBeau: This won't hurt. * Hogan: Cotton? * LeBeau: Cotton. (Gives Hogan a cottonball, which Hogan then puts into Newkirk's mouth.) * Hogan: There we are. Now, have a toothache, and that's an order. * Newkirk: (Mumbles incoherently to first Hogan, then LeBeau.) --------------- After Colonel Klink had told Schultz to keep an eye on Newkirk when he was in the dentist's office: * Klink: And you will stay with him at all times, even while the dentist treats him. * Schultz: Sir, the dentist might have to pull his tooth. * Klink: SO? * Schultz: I can't stand the sight of blood. * Klink (Slams fist onto his desk): Imbecile!!!! How did you ever get into the German Army? * Hogan: I think he lied about his weight. (Newkirk chuckles at Hogan's quip.) --------------- After going to the hotel bar, Schultz gets drunk thanks to Newkirk: * Schultz: Excuse me sir, what time does this train get to Düsseldorf? * Newkirk: I'll let you know. * Schultz: Thank you very much, sir. (Drinks out of his helmet) Ahhhh. Very good beer in this place, but the glasses are terrible. --------------- Schultz is talking to Hogan, wondering how he'd gotten drunk: * Schultz: One thing I don't understand--how could I get so drunk on one glass of beer? * Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach, Schultz. * Schultz: You call this empty? -------------- Schultz's comment after being told by Carter that he might get transformed to a place that would put him near his wife: * Carter: Cheer up, Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post? * Schultz: Or, maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front? * Carter: Well, if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often? * Schultz: All of a sudden, the Russian Front sounds very good. -------------- As Jeb is being prepared for his trip by the prisoners: * Jeb: I'm goin' back to little ol' England! * Lebeau: And next time you're captured, find yourself another POW camp. He made me barbecue K-rations for him. Americans! Bloopers * Carter is once again shown wearing a wedding ring, although he is not married in the series. * In the scene where Newkirk arrives back at Stalag 13 with a drunken Schultz, Schultz mistakenly calls Corporal Langenscheidt, Hans, which is actually his own first name. External links * Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant at TV.com * Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant at the Internet Movie Database * Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant episode capsule at Webstalag 13 * Hogan's Heroes Fanclub * The Hofbrau Television stories Category:Season One